A Picture I Took By My Bus Stop (I will have to look up the name)

A Picture I Took By My Bus Stop (I will have to look up the name)
I think these are Clematis (but don't quote me!) - This picture was taken by my bus stop

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Where Have I Been?

What a week! And it's not over yet.  My nephew Joseph put it succinctly when he said how he couldn't believe that after seven years I am finally getting my bathroom redone.  He had lost hope he would ever see this day.  You see he lived with me for two years and even after he and my sister-in-law moved out, he'd heard me complain and drag my feet about it. 

Seven years.  I hadn't realized it's been seven years since my hand first went through the shower wall, spilling tiles and making a hole when I grabbed it to steady myself so I wouldn't fall.  Yes - for seven years I've been practically begging friends, family, strangers for a name of a contractor I could trust, for someone who wouldn't take advantage of a single woman. Someone who doesn't see dollar signs. In the meanwhile I'd gotten myself a shower curtain to protect the back wall from further damage.  I had come close to getting a contractor a couple of times.  At first it was the money.  Some of the quotes were outrageous, some were laughably cheap intended for me to sign on the dotted line and then I was sure the costs would slowly escalate.  Then it was lack of time and suddenly seven years passed.  I guess the planets must have all been aligned correctly and egged on by my son, a plan was put in motion, tiles were chosen, color palettes decided on and, miracle or miracle, a friend I hadn't spoken to in eight years got in touch with me and suddenly she had a contractor for me.   He came over.  I liked his laid-back style.  I liked how he didn't pressure me and suddenly I had no other excuses left.  Yes - I said excuses - for today I found myself crying uncontrallably as I drove out to enjoy the spring-like day as I thought of the room that was no more, that I no longer recognized.  That was the idea, wasn't it?  My contractor is rebuilding me a brand new, modern bathroom.  That's what I hired him for.  I should be happy, no?  It was then that it hit me.  I didn't really want the room to change.  I want nothing to change.  By resisting change, I could still pretend that things are as they were when I first moved into the house with my then husband and my two-year old son.  I could pretend that I hadn't gotten divorced, that was son hadn't grown to become the man he is, one who is ready to take his place in the world away from me, that my ex-husband isn't dead, that he's still alive.  

Of course, I'd known of this tendency of mine.  Right after I had gotten divorced, I couldn't bear to throw anything out or stand to be in the house alone.  I hated everything about it.  I was constantly in motion, every weekend visiting friends and family.  I never stayed home if I could help it.  By leaving everything as it was, my anxiety level was held in check.  Providence had other plans.  It started when I needed to knock my back yard shed down.  I had no choice and when it was done, I spilled a few tears.  I couldn't bear to look at the empty spot without remembering all of the happy times we had.  Now, not even two weeks later, I am undertaking another major renovation.  Who knows, I might even do the kitchen next.  I hate change.  This is what I learned this week.  I want to be in control.  But I can't control time.  I can't control anything.  So far the renovation is turning out fine.  I'm so very grateful of the contractor I have.  I trust him to do the right thing by me.  All of the catastrophes I had imagined and dreaded have not come to be and each day that passes by, my anxiety lessens.  This is day two, tomorrow will be day three but I am still on pins and needles until the final reveal, until all of the pieces come together.  At the end of it, I should have a brand new, modern bathroom.  I think I might even be able to do the kitchen next.

I am holding my breath.   


  1. Change is very difficult for us. I can identify with part of what you wrote. Having felt totally out of control of my life, I hate not being in control. I'm one of those whose husband of many years just walked out one day, never to return to our home. He didn't want to try to work anything out. He just wanted out. I had no choice. So I truly hate not having control of a situation. But we need to go on. We need to face the changes, buckle up, and go on to the next step! Good for you on getting your bathroom done! I hope you do your kitchen too, as soon as you can! You will be in control of the changes and you'll be just fine!

  2. I don't much like change either. It's scary but it's how we grow as a person.

  3. Thank you Ladies for your words of encouragement! I'm feeling very empowered right now.

    Sometimes we don't even realize we are holding on to a dream but growth is right around the corner if we only dare venture forward and shed our old attitudes and fears.

    Corina thanks for stopping by and commenting. I know the pain you've gone through but you sound like you've survived and most importantly thrived!

    The bathroom is looking sooo good and I can't wait to post some pictures of the finished room.

  4. Not many of us like change.

    When my father died and we had to have the house sold--and the person who bought it eventually tore it down--it's all gone. Well, I hated that it was gone, but after thinking about it, whenever we drove by I had been reminded of certain things that I wanted to forget. The house not being there helped me quit thinking about things.

    I'm used to seeing the empty lot, but I still remember the good things about my childhood.

    I've moved on.

    You'll get to the point where you can accept the change because you really can't go back in time.

    Will want to see those pictures, Dora!

  5. Thank you for your sweet words Lorelei. I think I'm ready to move on as well and make new memories. Pictures will be forthcoming!